Monday, August 8, 2011

Monday Blue and Yellow

Decisions!!! Decisions!!

Trust me. You women, and especially you mature women will enjoy this! Men:  Have a good laugh!!! Getting old is NOT good, especially for women!!!!!


The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.  They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have?  

I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.  
The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.  The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected  from shark attacks.  Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.  It took a while to find the other.  At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.  The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.  I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it.  The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides.  I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted; it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.  It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.  My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.  Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!
Words have the power to both destroy and heal. 

When words are both true and kind, they can change our world 

Selecting Slimming Swimsuits for Older Women

Slimming swimsuits for older women are swimsuits which make them look slimmer and younger. These swimsuits do not help the women to lose weight but they do help the dreary jackets of winter and try some designer swimsuits. They will magically change your looks and you will look gorgeous.

  • After viewing these..
    as well as trying on  a few (hundred million)selections..
    If indeed they will make me look as young as are these Models..
    I might be pursuaded to by one, two, maybe even three..
    Otherwise,I'm tempted to do two things:
    go "Au Naturale" and just let it all hang out..
    or skinny dip by the light of the silvery moon..

    Now for more fun and frivolity..


  1. I like both depending on what place I am in hehehe. Happy Monday!

    Blue Monday

  2. Oh my god...I laughed my ass off. I GET IT!!! Oh and it is so weird that you have so many pictures of me in your blog entry...creepy. But I get that too as, well, look at my bod.

    Hahaha. I say drink and skinny dip in the moonlight.

  3. Thanks for the giggle. I used to skinny dip - now I chunky dunk. I have grown to love my tankini's. Very forgiving.

    Take good care,


  4. Hi Lou,
    This is good! I was looking for my swim suit (since I have lost 20 pounds) as I thought I might venture in the pool while on vacation, and alas, I couldn't find it!!! I guess I must have put it in the 'give away' pile one day when I was feeling fat. Oh well, it's probably a good thing I couldn't find it:-)

  5. all so true..there is nothing more depressing than trying on bathing suits...i am not the person in the mirror!...i am slim, lovely and look great on the beach....i know i look like sausage but .....the one piece is the only way to go....

  6. Laughing, and snorting tooo true.

    Ah life, and the teenage years that are so far behind. And to think that at one time I lamented my lack of curves....

    Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams

  7. hi loui
    i don't think you've read my blog post yet... you are the lucky winner of the coastal living book!! congratulations!
    pls send your details and i will send it to you : )
    cheryl xx


welcome to my world of salty sunkissed breezes..
where time is not measured..
linger leisurely..
sift sugary white sand between your toes..
Make and take those wonderful memories..
leaving behind..only your footprints...